Fundraising

Before I start talking about how much I hate fundraising.... Amy and I just ran 3 miles.
Whoo hooo! 5K here we come! I've never run this much before.

I hate fundraising... I hate asking people for money. Not wanting to have to raise support was one of the main reasons why I didn't want to go on staff with COTN. I really had to surrender my attitude of reluctance before the Lord. And now it seems I need to do that once again.

Last night when I was having accountability time with the girls, they asked me how I was really feeling about support raising and I realized once again (I have this realization about once a week, but I don't do anything about it) that I haven't processed it. I am just pretending that if I don't think about it, that it will just go away. Healthy huh!

But it isn't going to go away and whether or not I want to process it, I really do need to be taking the time to bring this before the Lord. So here are my beginning stages of processing. Excuse my thoughts if they are a little rough around the edges... still trying to figure this all out.

So when I first sat down to think about Sierra Leone fundraising, I realized that between my team of 12 and my own personal finances, that somehow, I would be responsible for collecting more money than I have ever made in my whole life. Talk about overwhelming. My friends helped me calm down about this amount and reminded me to take it a day at a time. Seems that I need that reminder again.

So once I got over the amount of money that needed to be raised, I then had to get over the level of vulnerability that it takes to ask people for money. I actually think that I am still here, and haven't worked through this yet. Asking people for money means that I don't have life figured out on my own, and that I need people. Humbling...

To be honest with myself and my feelings, I am frustrated and discouraged with the whole process. The money has been coming in slow, both for my own personal fundraising and for my team. Especially for my team, I have no idea where the money is going to come from. We are supposed to buy tickets tomorrow and we are $8,000 short. That's a lot. Overwhelming in fact. And then there is the other half to raise... again, where does that come from?

I have to admit that my faith is struggling with this fact and I really don't know if I believe that it will come. I used to have such confidence that taking this team was the right thing to do, but now I am starting to wonder... and I hate that my faith is so circumstancial and that I am so quick to doubt. But it really does seem overwhelming... like it will never come.

And it makes me want to quit. To not even try anymore and to just not go on staff with COTN. It seems like that would be the easier route to take right now. But I know I can't do that.

Even when this all doesn't make sense and it seems crazy that I am quitting my job in times that are financially hard for a lot of people... the Christian life rarely ever makes sense though, and I guess that is what faith is all about.

Not real sure where to go from here... I guess continue the process of surrender as painful and humbling as that is. Being on our knees is a good place to be.